I wish...

Do you ever have days when you catch yourself repeatedly thinking thoughts that start with: "I wish I were..." Some of those thoughts carry a real yearning and others are just plain silly, but I thought I'd put them out here in the hope that I am not alone in my desires and doubts.

(This may sound like a heavy duty post, but it really isn't - those are just tiny voices, but sometimes irritating like a tiny mosquito!)

So here it goes:
1. I wish I had a knack for creating sacred spaces like what Vicki has created for her knitting studio. I see it and would like to move right in, to wrap that energy around me like a nurturing blanket. But when it comes to creating that kind of space for me, it just doesn't feel like me. Yet I want it... go figure!
2. I wish I were not derailed so easily by others' opinions. I try not be, but those little doubts always creep in. Someone asks me a simple question out of curiosity, and I start questioning everything. Do you ever do that?!
3. I wish I were a "real" artist - sometimes I just feel like an impostor! I have no training, I just paint whatever comes to mind. Is that what "real" artists do? Shouldn't I be sketching first? Figure out the best composition? Know about color theory? And then again, I paint and I LOVE it!! Go figure...
4. I wish I were petite. Ok, I know that is silly! But there are times I wish I were small and cute and not tall and statuesque. (That thought never lasts for long and usually only comes up when I've been around some petite friends and feel like a Nordic giant around them!)
5. I wish I had more of a sense for fashion. That's a tricky one. I would like to have a little more flair in the way I dress (a little more playful look), but it doesn't come easily for me and there are many other things that are more important to me. Add to that that I am NOT a shopper and this is pretty hopeless...
6. I wish knew how to accessorize better. That one goes with the fashion wish and again, it's only important to me temporarily. It's just something I have not learned and don't have an innate sense of (and not much patience for, which doesn't help).
7. I wish I were more girly. Not pink, frills and lace girly, but just a little more feminine in some ways. Let me give you some examples: I don't like to shop, I don't like to pamper myself, I don't feel the need to go get spa treatments (although I do like them when I go), I am a loner, and I am not very emotional outwardly. All of that is fine, but sometimes I just wish I had a little more of a girly girl in me.
8. I wish I were more fearless. I've talked about that before, but I have such a talent to always imagine the worst that I think I miss out on a lot just by thinking that it's going to be too dangerous. Silly, I know! That goes hand in hand with being a worrywart! All I can do here is use my common sense to decide between what's really dangerous and what's just plan foolish worry...
9. I wish I could just do thing without thinking about them so much first. Do you know what I mean? I'm a thinker and for the most part I like that a lot. But sometimes it gets in my way. Sometimes it would be better to just take action without thinking (sort of the way I paint without a plan and without a sketch - oh, maybe that's a good thing after all?!).

10. I wish, I wish, I wish ... I wish I had a piece of cake right now! Oh, wait! There's cake in the kitchen! A blackberry tart Daniel made yesterday - delicious!! I'll be right back!
Ok, enough with the wishes.

And, I should say, that for the most part I really love who I am and what I do. These are just little nagging voices that come into my head and I hope that by putting them out there, they'll quiet down...

And while I'm at it, a couple of confessions (it's good for the soul, right?):

1. I tend to resist fads and so often when everyone is reading a particular book or watching a certain movie, I don't do it "just because." So, many years after it was in, I am finally reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and was prepared to not be blown away. But I have to confess that I am loving it. Totally inspiring!! And I'm sure the movie will be gorgeous!

2. I like Diet Coke. I know it's not the best for me and I try to limit my intake to one a day (and sometimes even none a day), but I like it. There, I said it!

3. I like to watch crime shows and mysteries on TV. I know I should be only reading and painting and having deep and meaningful discussions, in fact we should not even own a TV, but I have to say it relaxes me (even crime shows) while I knit or crochet in the evening. Trying to read at that point usually just makes me fall asleep.

4. I'm a total homebody. Don't get me wrong, I have a passion for travel, but then I love to be home. And when I am home, the days when I don't have to leave the house at all, are my favorite days.
5. I used to be someone who never finished anything creative that I started, and I have to confess that I am still amazed that I now finish (most of) my creative projects.
6. Even though I am German, I am not a natural-born housewife! I like order, but I'd rather paint than dust, read than do the dishes, knit than vacuum, and I'd definitely rather do anything else than clean the bathrooms...

(All photos were taken on our recent road trip. Don't you just love water?!? You can click on any one of them to see them bigger)

Well, that's probably more than you ever wanted to know... and I thank you for the kind ear you lend me and the loving comments you leave me!

Tomorrow, something fun and light-hearted.