Ok, so I haven't been in my studio for over two weeks. I blame it on the heat, but that's only part of the truth. The other part is that I am sort of intimidated by the creative process at the moment.
I know that sounds sort of weird, so let me try to explain...
My art is changing and I don't know if it is good objectively seen, but to me it seems to be getting really good. Different than before with more depth or something -- hard to put into words.
All my life, I have had real difficulties being really good at something. I'm so comfortable not standing out in any way (actually, in my younger years I consciously practiced blending in and it has sort of stuck with me), that when something starts happening that might make me stand out, I immediately get paralyzed.
Ok, that sounds like I think I am oh so very good, but that's not it. I have that feeling that something is happening in my art that is going to make me extraordinarily and uniquely "me," sort of like I am finally on the cusp of living the creative life I imagine living and it scares me into inactivity.
I know it makes no sense and logically I am aware of it all and I know just what I need to do, but emotionally it's a whole different story. It's that old notion of fitting in, of not making waves, and of trying so hard to be "normal."
And, believe me, I KNOW that being "normal" is highly overrated, I KNOW that there's nothing else but to be "me", but how to know it emotionally? How do you make that leap from knowing something in your head to knowing it with your whole being? I am hoping at least one of you knows what I am talking about...
In the past, as soon as I'd get to a point like this, I'd retreat and sort of blend into the masses again for sheer comforts sake, but not this time. I've considered it - believe you me! But when I do, everything in me says
MOVE FORWARD!
One of the reasons I am putting this out here is because I know that when I say this "out loud" to you all, it is much more of a commitment than when I just say it quietly in my mind. And, most importantly, because I wonder if some of you are dealing (or have dealt with) with something similar.
So, are you?!?
