Permission Granted!

The photos have nothing to do with the blog post, but they are pretty! All from our recent cruise and taken in Costa Rica. It rained profusely and it was gorgeous!! A place I'd love to visit again... 

Yesterday I came across this blog post from Leonie Lawson entitled “You have permission.” I started reading it and halfway through I found myself breathing a sigh of relief. And I was stunned. Someone else was giving me permission to be who I am and I felt relief. That really made me think. 

If you know me personally, you know that I am somewhat tightly wound internally. I may seem relaxed on the outside, but I’m rarely relaxed in my mind. Somewhere along my life’s road I have picked up that strange notion that I need to be a certain way for others to approve and for them to know that I am doing well.

I was thinking back to when that started and I think the origin lies in those years after I left Germany to study in the US. I was very young and naive and I know that some among my family and friends were worried and doubtful that I would make it. Nobody said so, but I did get that feeling. Plus, I wasn’t so sure myself.

And because my family was worried and communication then wasn’t what it is now (the occasional phone call and real letters!), it was important to me to stress in those communications how well I was doing all the time. When I’d go back to visit, it was important to me to still be the same old Silke that they knew and to look good and be happy.

If I had problems I would share them with Daniel and friends, but hardly ever with my family as I didn’t want them to worry. I would pick and choose what I’d share. I’d pick and choose which people got to see which part of me. And I still do that today almost 30 years later!

I seem to be a very even person on the outside, but on the inside I am one of the most emotional people I know. I don’t listen to just any music (or much music at all), as I find it powerfully affects my emotions. The same goes for movies I watch, TV shows, books I read and people I spend time with. I am an emotional sponge and I soak it all in if I'm not careful. Even when I watch a TV show, I deeply feel for the characters and often I can’t stand it. And often I can’t help it. The same when I meet a person and I'm not careful - I know instantly how they are feeling. I don't just know it, I feel it. Over the years I have learned that that makes me an empath - and most of the time it’s not fun!

I am a very spiritually oriented person, I have witnessed real magic and I believe in angels - always have! My dreams at night often are amazingly real and at times have been predictive. I am really fascinated by everything invisible to the eye. Yet, those people around me who prefer the practical me don’t ever see that side. I’ve become excellent at compartmentalizing and trying to be the person that everyone is most comfortable with. 

Except of course Daniel - he knows all of me…  And a handful of others in my family and among my friends, who know most of "crazy" me.

I find that living this way is exhausting! Always censoring what I share and with whom I share it gets really old after so many years. It’s a hard habit to break, but I have every intention to do so. And those of you who so openly live who you are, are my inspiration!

I have decided to give myself permission to be who I am - fully and wholly and without apologies.

I give myself permission:

to believe what rings true to me
to share with an open heart
to create only what makes my heart light up
to love, love, love what I create
to be as great as I can be
to be as flawed as I am
to have a body that isn’t the same as it was when I was 20 or 30 or even 40
to celebrate my older and wiser self
to be good at some things and not so good at others
to feel great some days and not so great on other days
to not always look fantastic
to be productive some days and not on others
to be a couch potato when I need to be
to be inspired by many different things
to allow inspiration to take me to different places
to leave those things behind that no longer light me up
to not finish things if they don't need to be finished
to have days when I get nothing done
to be silly when I feel like it
to be an inspiration to others
to live up to my fullest potential
to shine brightly
to love deeply
to feel how I feel
to look how I look

to be who I am! 

With deep love and gratitude,

❧ Silke