Dear friends! I've been thinking. A lot.
And while I share some of my thoughts with you all, let me treat you to a few pictures of my studio that has officially made the move from creatively messy to just plain messy! It's a colorful mess, but it's still a big, big mess!
I have begun the very gratifying task of de-cluttering and organizing (some of the piles on the floor are a result of that process). I hope in a few days I can show you the "after cleanup" pictures...
So, here my thoughts and also a question for you. Do you care what others think of you? I do! I try not to as it really is none of my business, but I can't help it. On a daily basis. Do others think I care enough? I am kind enough? I am generous? I am of value? Do they think I'm weird? Am I reacting appropriately to whatever situation?
The strangest thing about this is that I find myself daily trying to fit in, but I don't know what the criteria are. It's like trying to win a game, but you don't know the rules.
Growing up I always felt severely different from everyone else - my interests, my thoughts, my feelings - I always felt like I was somehow not measuring up. To what I didn't know. My most fervent wish was to be "normal." And I'd find myself trying to conform so that I'd be accepted somehow. I still do that, but now I can catch myself in the act.
What is "normal" anyway? There is no such thing, is there? We are all unique and all different - it's just that I feel way more different much of the time. And that, too, is construed in my mind only.
It's just through what I observe and how people act and think. I often don't think the same way. I try to be very deliberate about my thoughts as I am quite certain that our thoughts do create our reality. I don't often talk about this though because it's so not "normal." And somehow it's important to me to not seem weird. There it is again - trying to not stand out.
I don't like to complain even though that seems to be a favorite past time these days. I like to focus on the positive. I don't like to watch the news as it seems to be synonymous with "bad news." I don't like to discuss the bad news either although many seem to love to tell the latest sensational news.
I recently started listening to the CDs by Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle called
The Importance of Being Extraordinary. Now that would be the opposite of trying to be "normal," right? Or is "normal" simply being oneself? And if we are all unique, aren't we all extraordinary? I think maybe so.
So, why do I try to hard to fit in? To conform to some standard I have no idea what it is? What is so scary about standing out and being extraordinary? Even this blog is already a stretch for me. Sharing these thoughts is a stretch. I've spent a lifetime trying to blend in somehow, not very successfully, but I was trying.
I admire those of you who are able to be completely "you" without apologies. I'm working on it. Or - more accurately - every day I am trying to relax into just being myself (not doing myself, not proving myself, not explaining myself), just BEING myself and have that be enough. To seek my approval only. To conform to my own standards only. To care what I think of myself more than what others think.
And in this I've come a long way! And maybe some day I don't have to be so consciously aware of it every day. Maybe some day I will just be "me" all the time. I'm looking forward to that...
In the meantime, I so appreciate you all being here in blogland. I have learned so much from you and keep being inspired by your lives, your posts, your creative projects and the comments you leave here. Thank you!!
❧ Silke
Liebe Silke,
ReplyDeletedas ist ein wunderschöner und lehrreicher Post.
Sonnige Grüße
Elisabeth
Hi Silke!...What an interesting post. And I have to say that the only time I remember feeling 'not normal' was when I was in school in my early years. Well, maybe a bit in High School too, but I know why I was feeling that way...2 reasons. Things were happening to me that were far beyond me controlling them, and I was very shy and insecure...Yes. ME!! LOL...I judged myself badly ALL THE TIME!! But all of that changed when I started studying the Bible with Jehovah's Witnesses and I got to REALLY know God...Now, no matter what, I know he totally understands me. He doesn't think I'm weird or not normal. And he's given me a purpose in life that's not just all about me! But I still get to help people by just being me! :-) I know it's sounds like a Bible pitch, but it's not. It's just the truth! Sometimes you just have to tell the truth...No Matter What!...Even to yourself! :-) And clearly I don't hold back from saying what I want to because someone might disapprove! LOL I live to truly please only a few people....By the way, I can't wait to see your room all tidied up!...Have a good day, Silke! And you are of value...and I'm not the only one that thinks so! ^_^
ReplyDeleteI believe in conforming and "fitting in" but only to the extent necessary to make a living. Apart from that -- let your freak flag fly, baby! That's what makes life worth living.
ReplyDeleteit's normal not to feel you don't fit in, at least, that's what I learn. although I do not care what people think, sometimes, it's hard to ignore what they say, especially when it makes you feel awful.
ReplyDeleteI love a messy studio. I think it shows you're doing & creating, & besides, every time you clean, it gets messy agin so I don't think it's a big deal to be so clean anyway.
hope you have a great day!
Hi Silke. I remember you posting something about this a while back, about not feeling normal. I have to say that you seem to me very normal and just like all of us, we have our thoughts of things. I appreciate you and who you are and although I visit rarely, I still know you are there and admire how you've kept with your artwork and how your talents have grown. It is good to think about "things." Take care. Love your messy studio, you should see mine right now. Ayeeeeee!
ReplyDeleteHi Silke..loving your studio ad creative bliss..love seeing your art in there too..beautiful! Love that easel! I have never fit in my whole life..( still don't)and hey that's totally fine... I embrace the way I am designed...you simply must..it is why you are here, it is your gift! You are amazing..shine on just as you are! Being exactly who you are.. is your path..it is that most beautifully-unique ingredient that must shine itself through the universe..so let it shine out!
ReplyDeleteIt has not always been an easy road..but I wouldn't have it any other way..! Embrace yourself ..and try not to worry so much about others and what they think...if you stay there too long...it can become a mind -maze that begins to cage you..then your soul cannot breathe!! So just let you spirit fly in the open space where you are truly free!
we are all meant to be ourselves..and to hold that special-light back or hesitate..holds light and love away from the world! When I feel shunned, rejected, banished, told I do not belong here etc..I remember LOVE..that's it..and I choose focus on that.. and to Be Love..life gets easier..and love gets bigger!..till that is all you can see!
Hugs friend!
Kiki
Someone very clever said or wrote a long time ago that everyone's personal freedom [= to be as "weird" as we like] ends where the next person's personal freedom starts. Therefore, I do conform to the tried and trusted standards of good manners and considerate behaviour whenever I am surrounded by other people - which is almost always the case, be it at work, doing my groceries shopping, or at a party.
ReplyDeleteAnd of course I do mind what others think of me - to an extent.
It pays my bills that my customers and business partners think well of me; I would not be able to live the way I do and enjoy if it weren't for that.
Thinking that you are different from everyone else (which is true for each of us!) and wanting to fit in are natural wishes for every humand being and something that nearly everyone experiences in a stronger measure during adolescence. We are, after all, social animals and not meant to spend our lives entirely on our own. And it is good that it is this way.
I don't often post; but always read your blog and enjoy it.
ReplyDeleteThis post really resonated with me as I could have written it myself almost word for word. I have always felt this way and think that it goes back to my childhood. At age 10, I was and still am very shy which makes me seem standoffish, I switched from a tiny country school to a school with more than 30 students in my class alone. I knew no one and as the new kid I felt very different,different ancestral background, religion, etc., and tried so hard to fit in. As you said, I also didn't know how to fit in as I didn't know what was expected.
I think this whole experience changed my personality and I still find myself feeling this way and perhaps now more so as I am living in a different country with a different language, culture, etc. than I was raised in.
It is very hard, mentally to always be trying so hard. I have decided to be myself and most of the time that works; but still find myself working hard to be what others expect at times.
Good luck and best wishes.
I've never been normal and have eventually come to terms with the fact I never will be. We're so critical of ourselves yet I love unusual people, they inspire, they bring joy to the world!
ReplyDeleteI like seeing pictures of your workspace, a bit of a mess is inevitable if you're creating! ;) xx