Monday, September 17, 2012

Wishful Thinking

I admire people who see themselves exactly as they are. Maybe you are one of them? 
This is the beautiful heath near where my sister lives ~ with the heather in full bloom!
Me? I know who I am and at the same time I have these vision of how I'd like to be. They are never quite realistic as they are in total conflict with who I really am. Let me give you some examples.
I have this image of myself as a June Cleaver type woman, the perfect housewife from Leave it to Beaver. I see myself dressed perfectly with not a hair out of place, my face always flawless (not possibly a pimple on my nose like I have right now), keeping a spotless house, always having delicious meals on the table, never forgetting a birthday of anyone I've ever known, taking care of those in need, and greeting every challenge with an amazing sense of humor. You get the picture...
Now, I know that this is not me and will never be, but still there's that slight hope that maybe I have a little bit of that in me. I do love the cooking and the baking part ... and I do love to wear a pretty apron, but cleaning the kitchen is NOT my favorite past time. I'd rather wear the apron while eating a piece of cake and reading a good mystery.
Bee hives for some delicious heather honey.
Ok, here's another image I have of myself - that of reading great literature all the time. Daniel reads a lot of great literature. I do on rare occasions when I hear it is really, really good! I will not read a book that makes me sad, even if it is the most amazing book ever written.
But I do love a good mystery. Even though they deal with murder, I find them strangely soothing. Not psychological thrillers (I can't read those - they make me anxious), but straight forward murder mysteries. There's an order to them and I need order for my overactive mind. Usually, there's a murder, then all the false leads and then at the end (in the books I like), there is the solution. And if the book is really good, there are interesting characters and unusual settings to boot!
My dad and I ~ we were there early in the morning.
Now, I have read lots of great literature in school and later on, and I still do when I know it will enrich my life, but not simply because I should. Although in my vision, I often sit on our chaise lounge (when Winslow isn't having a snooze on it), sipping tea and finishing the collected works of Shakespeare. Maybe some day. Or maybe not.
And then there are visions I have of myself that I know could be true and they scare me.
Schloss Raesfeld - a water castle in the area.
I can feel it in me that I could be a great artist - not by any outside standards as I have no idea what makes great art. I just feel it in me that there is much amazing art yet to be created.
And somehow that makes me hold back. Like right now, I have these images in my head of the next pieces I want to paint ~ and so I do other things instead. That's a part of me I don't quite understand and that aggravates me.
I observed my dad while I was in Germany and he is a doer. He gets something in his head and he makes a decision and then does it. It's his personality - he makes things happen.
His motto seems to be: "Let's do it now and then it's done." My motto seems to be: "That sounds like an interesting idea. Let's think about it for a while longer." There is value in both approaches, even in the waiting. Sometimes solutions will pop up that needed that space of "doing nothing."
The colors and patterns are very typical for the area.
However, in my vision of myself, I get things done! In my vision, that pile of papers on the kitchen counter that I need to go through, is already taken care of and filed. In reality that hasn't happened yet.
In my vision, I am the example of efficiency. By seven in the morning, I would have already cleaned the house, baked bread, done five loads of laundry, ironed all the clothes, and written several letters.
Ah letters! Here we come to another bit of wishful thinking. Before e-mail and the internet, I was a letter writer. Not a great one, but a fairly regular one. And I still see me reviving that lost art again.
And, of course, there was food. Excellent German food!
I ate all that was on this plate!! All of it!
I've tried. I even have a beautiful box with all my letter writing gear together, but it's not happening. It does for little bits of time, but it doesn't last. E-mail is so much less time consuming and so much quicker.  It's not as pretty or as lasting, but so much more immediate. Still, that wish persists and I haven't taken the letter writing box apart. Maybe some day...
This little duck was VERY hungry...
Still, with all that wishful thinking of the kind of woman I would like to be, I do ~ for the most part ~ like the kind of woman I have become and am still becoming. However, every time I am away from home for some time, I think that maybe NOW, when I get back, I'll be a little more like June Cleaver.
Siesta time! 
On this last visit to Germany my aunt even gave me a beautiful apron. I love to wear it and pretend to be that perfect housewife, but I still love cooking more than doing the dishes, and baking way more than mopping the floors, and eating more than just about anything else...

Silke

17 comments:

  1. I loved learning a bit more about you, Silke. I relate to a lot of what you described, & I was inspired by you & your father. I suppose that is part of growing & learning, that ga[ between who we are & who we would like to be, or what directions we are moving in. I'm curious, what are the lavender colored plants in the heath?

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    1. I guess the trick for me is knowing what is truly possible with the person I am and what is simply wishful thinking, you now? I never would have thought that I could make art, but then being an artist was never a vision I had of myself. That was a surprise...

      The flowers are heather and it was in full bloom! They need sandy soil, which is in abundance right there in that little area. :)

      xoxo Silke

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  2. You are terrific at homemaking! Anytime I've seen your place, it has always been just about spotless! And I remember all the nice touches in your guest bath -- not just little soaps, but other little bottles too. I remember opening the drawer of the vanity and being pleasantly surprised – and impressed. As for cooking, you are the best on the planet! You & Daniel both. You cook better than anyone I've ever known. Books: I would choose what you like and not worry about those others might prefer or rank as “better.” If it’s enjoyable, always do it/ read it. And for heaven’s sake, why would YOU ever worry about your appearance? You're beautiful! And you are always well-groomed and nicely dressed. What’s more important – because outward appearances are only superficial after all – you are a kind, caring, and considerate person!! That’s why I love you. So it seems to me you've got most of your desires already nailed! The rest will come when you relax and allow... Breathe deeply today and realize your worth. You are a special person. And you are just perfect as you are. “All is well!” ☺

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  3. Thank you, Beth!

    I wasn't being hard or critical of myself - I really like myself pretty well. I just think it's interesting how I still have an "ideal" image of myself that I know is totally unrealistic - it wouldn't feel real if it were because it's not like me.

    As to the spotless house - you are too kind! Don't let Daniel read this - he'll laugh out loud! Although if I take my glasses off, it looks pretty spotless to me, too... :-)

    And well dressed - ok, right now I'm sporting sweatpants, but being perfectly groomed isn't a priority.

    I really do like myself - I'm just always amazed at that persistent image I have of "perfect" me. And then I realize, life would be too restricted for me that way. I'd rather eat cake, wearing my apron and reading a good mystery...

    Love, Silke

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  4. Liebe Silke,

    ich freue mich, dich hier wieder zu besuchen.

    Herzliche Grüße

    Elisabeth

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    1. Liebe Elisabeth,

      Ich freue mich immer, dich hier zu begruessen! Ich fuehle eine besondere Verbundenheit mit dir!

      Sonnige Gruesse aus dem noch sommerlichen Savannah!

      Silke

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  5. How interesting, Silke....June Cleaver, huh?! Well, have fun with that! LOL June made me tired just looking at her! ^_^ I 'did' love the atmosphere of the home, for the most part...for the kids anyway. But I thought Ward could've been a bit more involved than he was. That's just me. I grew up with the men in my family washing dishes, cooking, and going grocery shopping with their spouses...including my hubby...I see myself as more of a 'neat-ener up-er' and 'fun to be around' kind of gal. I love the idea of dressing up...I mean REALLY dressing up, to go out, but PJs and curlers and a container of Ben and Jerry's and an old movie and friends non-stop is how I see myself when when I'm home. Uniqueness is welcome all around, isn't it?! :-)

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    1. Oh, Deb, you are describing how I am and how I like to be. I usually wear sweat pants at home and love to be comfy. And Daniel is an excellent house man - just like your hubby. He cooks and cleans better than I do and I love that!! And he loves to spoil me - and I love that, too!

      Uniqueness ~ yes!!

      Thank you!

      Hugs, Silke

      P.S. Now you made me hungry for some Ben and Jerry's...

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  6. Hi Silke, I appreciate the thoughts you express in this and the previous post. I too find that the show and tell sort of blog has it's place, but it often isn't enough to sustain the blog writers interest. I like the idea of thoughts on process, and like in this post, raising questions of identity, and how we view ourselves. It is thought provoking and I will go mull on that now,

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    1. Hi Michelle,

      You know, I love the show and tell part of my blog and will continue to do that, but I am such a thinker and I need to put some of those thoughts on "paper." Today, though, it's show and tell with a recipe...

      xoxo, Silke

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  7. Your post was such an interesting one! Let alone looking at all of the heather in bloom which is simply gorgeous. I know you guys must have had a wonderful time!

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    1. Liebe Ulrike,

      Germany in the summer with sunshine is incredibly beautiful as you well know! And the heather in bloom was an extra bonus. I don't know when I saw that last.

      Hugs, Silke

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  8. Liebe Silke, die Fotos sind traumhaft - und auf dem Bild mit dem Teller voller lecker aussehendem Gemüse siehst du glücklich und gesund aus, einfach toll!
    Meiner Meinung nach würde das Leben schnell langweilig werden und Stillstand bedeuten, wenn jeder von uns ganz genauso wäre, wie er oder sie sein möchte, ohne Raum für Verbesserung oder Veränderung.

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    1. Liebe Maike,

      Da hast du so recht - unser Leben bleibt interessant dadurch, dass wir uns staendig veraendern! Und ich mag Veraenderungen sehr gerne, auch an mir selbst!

      Ja, Deutschland war mal wieder sehr schoen - vor allem im Sommer und bei Sonne. Dann ist es einfach ein Traum! Und das gute Essen habe ich voll genossen!!

      Alles Liebe,
      Silke

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  9. Liebe Silke,

    ich freue mich, dass du ein paar wunderbare Tage in der alten Heimat genießen konntest. Und Hut ab, dass du alles, was auf dem Teller war, gegessen hast. Oder bekam die kleine Ente doch ein bisschen vom Salat?

    Fröhliche Grüße

    Anke

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    1. Liebe Anke,

      Dein Besuch freut mich aber! Ja, Deutschland war schoen und das gute Essen habe ich genossen! Die Ente wollte meine Kartoffeln, aber die teile ich nicht... Ein bischen Salat hat sie aber abbekommen!!

      Alles Liebe,

      Silke

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  10. Silke,

    I wrote hundreds of letters in my lifetime to people all over the world. Over the years, many of these people have drifted apart for one reason or another -- most likely because of life itself. Yet it was always great to write and receive a letter. Later I felt the same about emailing. I remember the time where only about five of my friends had an email address. How thrilled we all were that we could now write more often! Life often intervened, too, but I still have that love for writing -- letters, emails, posts, comments, stories, cards, and what not...

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