Sunday, June 20, 2010

I wish...

Do you ever have days when you catch yourself repeatedly thinking thoughts that start with: "I wish I were..." Some of those thoughts carry a real yearning and others are just plain silly, but I thought I'd put them out here in the hope that I am not alone in my desires and doubts.

(This may sound like a heavy duty post, but it really isn't - those are just tiny voices, but sometimes irritating like a tiny mosquito!)

So here it goes:
1. I wish I had a knack for creating sacred spaces like what Vicki has created for her knitting studio. I see it and would like to move right in, to wrap that energy around me like a nurturing blanket. But when it comes to creating that kind of space for me, it just doesn't feel like me. Yet I want it... go figure!
2. I wish I were not derailed so easily by others' opinions. I try not be, but those little doubts always creep in. Someone asks me a simple question out of curiosity, and I start questioning everything. Do you ever do that?!
3. I wish I were a "real" artist - sometimes I just feel like an impostor! I have no training, I just paint whatever comes to mind. Is that what "real" artists do? Shouldn't I be sketching first? Figure out the best composition? Know about color theory? And then again, I paint and I LOVE it!! Go figure...
4. I wish I were petite. Ok, I know that is silly! But there are times I wish I were small and cute and not tall and statuesque. (That thought never lasts for long and usually only comes up when I've been around some petite friends and feel like a Nordic giant around them!)
5. I wish I had more of a sense for fashion. That's a tricky one. I would like to have a little more flair in the way I dress (a little more playful look), but it doesn't come easily for me and there are many other things that are more important to me. Add to that that I am NOT a shopper and this is pretty hopeless...
6. I wish knew how to accessorize better. That one goes with the fashion wish and again, it's only important to me temporarily. It's just something I have not learned and don't have an innate sense of (and not much patience for, which doesn't help).
7. I wish I were more girly. Not pink, frills and lace girly, but just a little more feminine in some ways. Let me give you some examples: I don't like to shop, I don't like to pamper myself, I don't feel the need to go get spa treatments (although I do like them when I go), I am a loner, and I am not very emotional outwardly. All of that is fine, but sometimes I just wish I had a little more of a girly girl in me.
8. I wish I were more fearless. I've talked about that before, but I have such a talent to always imagine the worst that I think I miss out on a lot just by thinking that it's going to be too dangerous. Silly, I know! That goes hand in hand with being a worrywart! All I can do here is use my common sense to decide between what's really dangerous and what's just plan foolish worry...
9. I wish I could just do thing without thinking about them so much first. Do you know what I mean? I'm a thinker and for the most part I like that a lot. But sometimes it gets in my way. Sometimes it would be better to just take action without thinking (sort of the way I paint without a plan and without a sketch - oh, maybe that's a good thing after all?!).
10. I wish, I wish, I wish ... I wish I had a piece of cake right now! Oh, wait! There's cake in the kitchen! A blackberry tart Daniel made yesterday - delicious!! I'll be right back!
Ok, enough with the wishes.

And, I should say, that for the most part I really love who I am and what I do. These are just little nagging voices that come into my head and I hope that by putting them out there, they'll quiet down...
And while I'm at it, a couple of confessions (it's good for the soul, right?):

1. I tend to resist fads and so often when everyone is reading a particular book or watching a certain movie, I don't do it "just because." So, many years after it was in, I am finally reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and was prepared to not be blown away. But I have to confess that I am loving it. Totally inspiring!! And I'm sure the movie will be gorgeous!
2. I like Diet Coke. I know it's not the best for me and I try to limit my intake to one a day (and sometimes even none a day), but I like it. There, I said it!
3. I like to watch crime shows and mysteries on TV. I know I should be only reading and painting and having deep and meaningful discussions, in fact we should not even own a TV, but I have to say it relaxes me (even crime shows) while I knit or crochet in the evening. Trying to read at that point usually just makes me fall asleep.
4. I'm a total homebody. Don't get me wrong, I have a passion for travel, but then I love to be home. And when I am home, the days when I don't have to leave the house at all, are my favorite days.
5. I used to be someone who never finished anything creative that I started, and I have to confess that I am still amazed that I now finish (most of) my creative projects.
6. Even though I am German, I am not a natural-born housewife! I like order, but I'd rather paint than dust, read than do the dishes, knit than vacuum, and I'd definitely rather do anything else than clean the bathrooms...
(All photos were taken on our recent road trip. Don't you just love water?!? You can click on any one of them to see them bigger)

Well, that's probably more than you ever wanted to know... and I thank you for the kind ear you lend me and the loving comments you leave me!

Tomorrow, something fun and light-hearted.


  1. Oh boy, I read a lot of me there!! However, I must say I like being tall, I have helped people before, you know the ones not so tall who can't reach the top shelf even in the stores I've had people stop me!! Love all the water photos, makes me realize need a break, but when, and then I'm a partial homebody too!

  2. Dear Silke, what an amazing post you have written! I can relate to all your wishes. One that I must comment on - you ARE an artist. Art is meant to be creative and organic. Your work comes from your soul - people enjoy it, you enjoy it, people buy your art. You are a success! It is individualistic and comes from within. I am also a Diet Coke freak, and I do tend to over-analyze the meaning of what people say to me. I need to let go! I have learned much from taking Suzi Blu's classes - have you checked them out? SO freeing and expressionistic. :) And trust me, I am NOT a natural born housewife, either. I would much rather be creating jewelry and painting my dolls! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself here - I loved learning so much more about you. Theresa :)

  3. Oh Silke dear - how I admire your honesty. You just put it right out there and SAID it while all the rest of us just THINK it. Here is one thing that I know for sure - the rest of the world - those that know us - do not see us the way that we see ourselves.

    For example - my confessions here to you my friend - those who think that they know me - think that I am outgoing and spontanious - not at all introverted. They are so wrong - while I love to speak publicly - as in a lecture - (I did used to teach a college level pathophysiology class and loved it) if you put me in a room of people - like at a party - I am TERRIFIED, Really - I avoid them at all costs. I never know what to say to strangers, can't converse in any way that makes me feel comfortable - it is a huge fear that I have.

    No matter what I wear - I rarely feel pretty. I am my worst enemy when it comes to that. I see every fault and fat roll and wrinkle that i have! I am hugely self consious about the cyst thing on my left eye - but terrified to have surgery to remove it because it is on my EYE!!! So I just always think I am ugly!

    I could go on and on - but we are all the same. We just never give ourselves the credit for what we really are.

    And my workspace - oh Silke dear - it can be the biggest messed up gob of a room that you ever saw. You should see it right now!!! You see - I THINK that YOUR space is just perfect - totally perfect. I dream about having a work room that is also a bedroom - that holds such appeal for me. So there.

    You are wonderful and dear and sweet and beautiful. So beautiful - really. Drink some wine - it wil make you feel better!


  4. silke, i could write for paragraphs about you and in response to your wishes and hopes. for now i will tell you two things, no, make it three:

    1. i don't have a fashion sense either and i don't like to shop. and like you i wish and want to look fashionable, cool, funky fun. i have found that if i limit myself to a small shop or two, only, where the salesperson will work with me, bring me things to try on, help me accessorize, i do much better, and i end up feeling good about it all. i am currently WAY overdue in this so i am not liking how i dress these days. but soon it will be time.

    2. i loved 'eat pray love' and if only i could write like that! i am glad you are reading it!

    3. ah are a gem. it is a joy for me to get to know you, to savor your enthusiasm and kindness and delight in becoming. you are an artist whether you are ready to call yourself one or not. in that way i am a writer.

    4. oh, one more comment afterall: the housewife gig. remember renee. she had that one down pat.

    i may write more. i know i will reread this post. it is one of my favorites.


  5. Hi Silke..thanks for sharing your heart! You are a true artist..true art is natural! Nothing wrong in using your natural-nature and natural wisdom to be the guided-arrow of your energy and life and talent's expression! I think it is way more bold and more empowering to jump off and fly and trust your own intuitive wings and express from your own unique nature!
    I never sketch anything..I love living outside the lines and in full color..I have never been mainstream either... I create my own current, explore my own path true to me! Let go of all those little thoughts and external preferences/voices..they are but dust and speckles..that carry no weight or light in the end of life! Live life Fully as YOU! we are not meant to be anything but our beautiful-self..that is our only role..and do it with honor, joy and celebration..there is only one Silke..and that is your journey, your mission and your gift to explore, the gift you offer and your gift to share. Be you.. Nothing more, nothing less..just absolutely perfect!
    You are a shining star!

  6. I can't beleive how much that sounds like me Silke. Wow! I think the same way. I think you are a great person just the way you are. Have a great week.

  7. I wish your wishes will come true dear, Silke.

  8. I just wanted you to know that I consider you a "true" artist -- so you can wipe #3 off the list :) I so enjoyed your series of paintings that you gave us while on vacation.

    I truly do not have an artistic bone in my body (I can barely draw a stick figure) and so I feel qualified to say that you are indeed an artist that can reach many with the glorious paintings the you create and share with the world.

  9. Dear Silke,
    if you like Eat Pray Love, you might like The Wise Heart ~ A guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology, by Jack Kornfield. We all have original goodness (Buddha nature). I see the goodness in you, the dignity and nobility.
    The most beautiful greeting to me is Namaste; "I honor the divine within you". You are a beautiful person Silke.

  10. My dearest Silke - I can so relate to some of the things you have posted. Most of us are so overly critical of ourselves.
    But about being an artist - artistic training only gives you the handiwork. Which is not a bad thing, but it does not give you inspiration, it doesn't create art. Knowing exactly how to mix colours, get the shadows right, etc. etc. does not make for a moving painting. The artist within you does.

  11. Silke -
    I thought of something else "weird" I wanted to tell you. When I go shopping at like a Target or something and I buy a dress or sweater - I rarely wear it that season. I almost always wait until the next year to wear it - how totally stupid is that! And I never am reading what the latest is. I am JUST now reading the Gurnesy Literary and Potato peel pie society - love it - but the whole world has already finished and moved on!

    OK - now I am bummed out - just realizing out loud how weird I really am!



  12. "Wer lange sinnt, beginnt nicht und wer nicht beginnt, gwinnt nicht." (Arabisches Sprichwort)
    Liebe Grüße

  13. Oh, girlfriend. We need to sit down with a nice big giant cuppa and a hunkin' slice of whatever pastry and just talk. We have so much in common. sigh, those nagging voices. Like mosquitoes whining....

  14. So many of your wishes are the same as mine Silke, I have never been a girly girl, and for some reason although i'm only 5'6 I always feel big, this has been a weird thing with me for years, I was super skinny when I was young and now i'm a very curvy if a tad buxom but I feel huge when i'm standing with other people, even if they are bigger than me in height and width??!! go figure!!
    I am also a homebunny (hence the hermit name) but don't particular like to clean and tidy my nest.
    As for being a real artist....I could go on forever about my feelings on that one, I have come to the decision that if you create because you enjoy it and have a need for it, then you are an artist and if you do it because you think you should but don't enjoy it (despite training and skill levels)then you are not!!

    Hugs for you

    Micki x

  15. Hope all, or some of your wishes, come true! I love those photos from your trip. Very suitable for framing :-)

    I think you're great just the way you are, Silke, and even though I'm all German too, I'm very un-German in my casual approach of housekeeping and order.

    I hate housework! Life's too short than to be constantly preoccupied with housework. Have you ever read on anyone's toombstone:

    "BUT SHE WAS A GOOD HOUSEKEEPER" ???? I don't think so!

  16. Hi Silke,

    I think we *statuesque women* should have some special club to be we appreciate our height!
    And the voices of doubt? I just tell them to shut up and go bother someone else (but not YOU!! LOL!!!)
    That's just the inner-art-critic talking.
    My fashion sense is retro, so I stand out like a sore thumb. I don't spend money on all the trendy things, don't go to spas, don't do a lot of the stuff that is supposed to make us girlie, but I can pull girlie off pretty easy; when I have to and WANT to. ;)
    I think most of all, I am happy as I am, mess and all, sore ribs from liftinf the lawn tractor, in my bunny slippers......
    I just wish someone would mop my kitchen floor for me! HA!


  17. Silke, I think you are lovely & special just the way you are! Banish "should" from your vocabulary. The only thing you "should" do is follow your bliss! If it's painting, if it's watching a crime show, if it's knitting -- whatever feels good in the moment is what you "should" be doing. There is no big rule book, and no one is taking score! Step into each day determined to make it your own! If you want to learn about color theory or painting, sign up for a class. If not, keep on doing what you're doing. If you want to learn how to accessorize, pick up a couple copies of fashion mags and get inspired. As for house cleaning, what are you kidding me?? Every time you email me, you tell me about your latest cleaning project! Good grief. If you don't keep a clean house, I don't know who does! ☺

    Thought for the day: "Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it."

    You're doing just great as you are!! hugs, Beth

  18. Oh, I know many of these wishes well! I have several of them myself. I wish I was tall and statuesque! Hehehe...I also get stuck on crime shows although I know I shouldnt. I dwell on things too much and get miffed if the crime doesnt get solved ;) Do you ever watch City Confidential? Lol, the narrator's voice gets me every time ;)

  19. silke, that was hilarious and fun and endearing all at the same time! you and i have wayy too much in common lady! though i'm petite. not short, i'm 5.6 but only weigh about 108?? yikes, i hate saying that out loud. i've always wished i'd grown into a "woman's body" and yet here i sit with the body of a teenager and yet my hair and face keep aging!
    oh i could go on and on, but i don't like shopping, am crazy shy...i know, most people don't think so, but blogging is easy...put me in a group of people and i can hardly talk unless i know and love them dearly!!
    this was so much fun to read. thank you for being so brave and honest and open and lovely.

  20. I was blown away by the amount I have in common with you. Sometimes when I blurt things out on my blog I come here and think 'now why can't I be more like her'. And I guess I am! Silke, you are an amazing artist. Don't question the 'shoulds' of formal education. Some get the formal training but never learn to create from the heart. And it's not something you can fake. And you are a beautiful woman. I also wish I were a girly girl sometimes, hate shopping, hate cleaning, and all else. Too funny! Thanks for sharing dearest. Especially now that I know there are others like me because besides you I now realize from your comments that there's a whole bunch. I'll need to go check out their blogs.

  21. Silke, You just voiced what we all feel at one time or another....most of us hide our real feelings and never deal with them at give us courage to be real and transparent....
    Thanks for an honest post.....

  22. Silke, You are not alone in your "I wish" thoughts. Some of us just have more than others. It is amzaing how much energy we give to these thoughts as well. Your paintings are inspiring and the photos of your road trip remind me of a hike I went on in Tennessee. Just beautiful.

  23. Oh Silke, I am having one of those days today, hearing that whisper WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?!? Bubble burst, cleaning soap film off the walls of my heart. Making up a new batch of stronger bubbles! **kisskiss** Deb PS you would look fantastic in anything from White House/Black Market. In fact, you should be their model.

  24. Liebe Silke, in vielen Deiner Wünsche können sich Frauen allen Alters und Herkunft selbst wieder finden. Besonders bezeichnend finde ich Deine Bemerkung, dass Du als German girl nicht gerade zierlich bist. In Deutschland ist inzwischen die durchschnittliche Kleidergröße bei Frauen bei 44 angekommen. So geht es mir auch und manchmal fühle ich mich wie eine Germania schlimmsten Ausmasses. Vor allem, wenn ich mich mit den zierlichen Französinnen oder den kleinen Italienerinnen vergleiche. Aber so ist es eben, wenn frau diese Gene ererbt hat. Es zählt schließlich, was man daraus macht aus seinen Möglichkeiten. Und wenn ich so sehe, was Du so alles bewegst, denke ich doch, dass Du bei allen gelegentlichen Zweifeln doch im Grunde ganz zufrieden sein kannst mit Deinem Leben?! Ich finde es auf jeden Fall immer sehr spannend in Deinem Blog-Leben zu stöbern;-)) Herzliche Grüße von Germania Luzia.

  25. ~as you've wished all these things to come to be i hope one by one the are making there way to your reality...i stumbled over from kikis blog and i am in a whirlwind of delight...the journey you take us on from moments...inspiring creationsof art and foods...aaahhh...sheer bliss...warm wishes and brightest blessings~